


Rigor Samsa

by Rainbrow



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Happy Ending, Fix-It, Gen, Ghost Drifting, Major Character Injury, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Knifehead (Pacific Rim), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Therapy, but it will hurt for a bit, so many feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2020-06-10 19:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19513417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbrow/pseuds/Rainbrow
Summary: The world was burning around him, but he didn't care.Couldn't care.Yancy had made it out.That's all that mattered for now.





	1. Day 0

**Author's Note:**

> Rigor Samsa  
> n. a kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time—and will keep growing back again and again, until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses.

"How long since the incident?"

Raleigh snorted. She knew. He knew that she knew. Everyone did. "You know how long."

"Yes." Her pen briefly danced across the sheet in her folder. Who the fuck used pen and paper anymore. "But I need ýou to say it."

He crossed his arms in defense and just stared at her calm face for a couple of seconds, debating wether he should play along. This was stupid. Therapy was stupid. This wouldn't fix anything. "Three weeks."

_Day 0_

_If Raleigh was being honest with himself, he didn't quite recall what happened after the unthinkable._

_Knifehead ripping open Gipsys head._

_"Listen to me....."_

_Silence._

_Unbearable silence._

_Agony._

_More silence._

_Then, endless darkness._

"How many days did you miss?"

Her voice remained kind but Raleigh had to swallow a couple of times before being able to answer "Three days. Taking Gipsy to the beach alone was a little...much."

_Day 3_

_The darkness was still there, but it felt softer somehow. Welcoming, almost. The suffocating feeling had subsided gradually and ultimately given way to a cozy, wuzzy feeling. The sudden rush of comfort and security fooled his drugged mind into a false sense of home. A hope of waking up in his bunk, Yancys arm dangling from the top bunk, no kaiju call at 2am, no catastrophy, just peace. Raleigh felt his body shift, eyes drifting open unintentionally._

_What greeted him was bright lights and people clad in white._

_And suddenly he remembered._

_This was the med bay._

_His brain still pulsed with a headache muted by drugs._

_Knifehead._

_He sat up abruptly, which caused a concerned nurse to come rushing over in an intent of getting him to lay back down._

_"Ranger Becket," she greeted him with a smile and a gentle hand on his shoulder "Welcome back."_

_"Yancy..." it came out as a frantic whisper, his eyes darting around the room in search if his brother,_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"My brother, he was with me. He fell..." the pounding behind his eyes intesified and he had to rest his forehead against his palm._

_"Easy Ranger, you need to rest." she pushed him back against the pillow, gently but determined "Your brain went through a lot."_

_"No," his voice threatened to betray him and the edges of his vision greyed but determintation pushed him away from the dark "you don't understand, I need to know."_

_"They found him." She smiled reassuringly "he's in good hands."_

_Relief washed over Raleigh with a force he had never experienced before._

Tears suddenly welled up in his eyes but he blinked them away forcefully. Hands wrung together in his lap he let out something akin to a nervous laugh but it rather sounded like huff, clouded with grief. 

"I know it's hard."

This time, Raleigh huffed intentionally, gaze returning to meet hers "Do you?" he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. Fronting was just so much easier than actually talking about how he felt "You know how I feel?"

"No, I don't." she briefly raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips "that's why we're here."


	2. Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments guys, much appreciated :) !

"What happened after you woke up?"

Raleighs hand brushed over his mouth before he carded it through his hair, gaze wandering.

_Day 4_

_After he'd woken up the doctors had run a series of tests, picked and prodded at him before declaring they'd keep him another day. Just to be safe._

_Raleigh let is head drop against the pillow in defeat and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He'd asked about Yancy again today, more than once, but they didn't give him any information and instead tried to reassure him with empty phrases._

_His mind though was a completely different story. Although his brain still felt sore and frayed his subconcious had reached out for his brother, for anything just to chase the silence away, but nothing was to be found. He shivered underneath the thin covers. What if they'd lied to him to keep him calm? What if he walked out of the medical bay only to find out his brother was gone? What if..._

_Gladly, his train of thought was interrupted by Pentecost appearing outside the glass walls of his room._

_"Good to see you awake Becket."_

_"Thank you."_

_"I can still barely belive you managed to get Gipsy back on solid land all by yourself." he said in a measured tone and pulled a chair up to Raleighs bedside to sit down "Impressive."_

_"Wasn't a choice." the other man answered dismissively._

_Pentecost nodded contemplatively "I know."_

_"No one tellls me about Yancy."_

_"He made it. Fishermen pulled him from the water." Something in his face changed "They're taking good care of him."_

"No one told me shit about my brother."

"How did that make you feel?" she asked. 

"Do you ever stop asking me that?"

"I'll stop when you start telling me." 

He exhaled audibly "Annoyed, frustrated. What did you expect?"

"Nothing." she scribbled in the folder again again "So you felt protective of him?"

"He's the only family I've got left." 

"Yes but you knew that those fisherman had pulled him out of the ocean, you knew that he was alive." she pressed on, not letting him off the hook that easily. 

"Yeah but..." he started but was interrupted.

"I think you were frustrated because it wasn't you who saved him."

That one hit home. Raleigh froze, only binking a couple of times "What?" he finally managed to choke out.

"You feel guilty because it wasn't you who saved him." she repeated calmly, closed the folder and leaned fowards. 

"Are you trying to make me feel even worse?" he'd gotten over the initial moment of shock and a sudden wave of anger rose in the back of his throat. 

"No, I want you to understand what you're feeling so you can move on and stop blaming yourself."

"I'm not blaming myself, if I may remind you there was a giant fucking alien coming at us what was I supposed to do?"

"There, you said it. It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done."

Raleigh didn't know what to say to that. Deep down, he knew she was right but there was something that stood between him and acceptance. Something he couldn't name, only the icy grip it had on his mind in the middle of the night and the dull ache every time he looked at his brothers withering frame. 


	3. Day 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been listening to a lot of the Borderlands 2 soundtrack, maybe thats why this has turned out the way it has ^^ ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11CP9V64X3I&list=PLwUobLuWpoElNphZIhnn1F-afgK5HQ-eM&index=7  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZkXf9MQ7Mw&list=PLwUobLuWpoElNphZIhnn1F-afgK5HQ-eM&index=9 )  
> Hope you like it:)

"I'm not feeling guilty." Raleigh insisted after an extended beat of silence. 

"You never use his name." the change of topic came swiftly and she opened her folder again, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

"Yes I do."

"You haven't. Not even once."

He took a brief moment to look at her, dark hair falling over her shoulder and sharp eyes boring right down into his soul. 

In another world, he might have noticed how pretty she was. In another world, Yancy probably wouldn't have hesitated to hit on her, succesfully, and come back to their dorm the next morning with tousled hair and a goofy grin on his face.

But this was not that world.

_Day 6_

_The only words Raleigh had for the medical staff after his release had been "Where's Yancy."_

_The nurse who'd been with him when he'd first woken up smiled compassionately and put a hand on the back of his shoulder "Follow me."_

_He followed her down corridors and around corners to a part of the medical bay he didn't recognize which, he reckoned, was not a good sign. There was no bustle of people and staff, it was eerlie quiet and only few purposfully striding people were around. When they arrived at the nurses station she leaned against the counter with the words "This is the other Ranger Becket."_

_She left him and he had to wait for his brothers attending physician, the seconds ticking by left him fideting and antsy. The bubble he'd spent the last couple of days in was about to burst, reality was minutes away and it left his heart beating in nervous anticipation._

_The name of the young doctor taking him deeper into the bowels of the med bay didn't stick to his mind, neither did his elaborations as they walked._

_He snapped back to reality when they came to a halt outside of a room with glass walls._

_"The cold water saved him, it prevented brain death," the doctor said matter of factly "still, we don't know how he made it. It's a miracle."_

_"Can," Raleigh swallowed against the knot in his throat "can I see him?"_

_"I'm afraid not." he shook his head "The exposure to the water caused an infection. We're keeping the room as sterile as possible, I'm sorry."_

_Raleigh silenty stared through the glass separating them and tried as hard as he could to find his brother underneath all the gauze, tubes and wires but failed. His gut twisted into knots and he could feel his heart beat rapidly against his ribs._

_"We've done everything we can. Its up to him now."_

_Wordlessly he let his forehead drop against the glass, his breath creating shapes of mist on the cool surface, mind reaching out again. Again, there was nothing but silence._

_The sudden rush of emotion crushed him like an avalanche, drowning the world around him and burying him under an icy layer. There would never be any words to explain what happened in these few heartbeats._

_"Everything alright Ranger?"_

_The sudden touch of a hand startled him from his thoughts and his eyes snapped open. He hadn't even realized they'd drifted shut. His cheek felt wet and he automatically brushed the back of his hand over his face. When the fuck did this happen? The concerned look the doctor gave him caused him to look away, gaze drifting across the empty hallway in search of anything, something, to make sense of all this._

_Casting a last glance through the glass he then all bút fled the scenery, his steps echoing from the walls, leaving a buffled doctor behind._

_On his way through the halls and corridors of the Shatterdome people cast him sideways glances, some in wonder, some in awe but Raleigh didn't notice one of them. Without even thinking his steps lead him to their quarters but the second the door shut behind him he couldn't stand it. The photos plastered on the walls, just the random stuff of life scattered around made the room feel like the walls were closing in._

_The need to flee rose again, tingling his spine, for anything, for fresh air, just to get out oft he clammed space full of sickening memorys._

_He found himself on the roofdeck, rarely used these days it was empty. The wind howled around him, wet and icy, the air smelled of salt. A light drizzle was turned into tiny icycles biting his face and finally, he felt like he could think clearly._

_This was never how it was meant to be._

"It would make it real." Raleigh hadn't realized he'd actually said it aloud, whispered it rather, but still.

It didn't matter.


	4. Goodbye Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so dark.

_Day 7_

_The first night after his release from the med bay had been rough._

_Raleigh had curled up under his covers, the mental and physical strain of the day finally catching up with him but still he found himself unable to sleep. Even though the temperature in the room was as usual he was cold, even the blankets couldn't keep him from shivering. There was no solace in the darkness._

_Finally, after hours of tossing and turning his eyes started drifting shut._

_He could hear Gypsis steel moaning and scrunching, feel the impacts of battle vibrate through her body, the sky was grey and the sea Kaiju blue. The wind hit his face._

_He was alone in the Conn Pod._

_Every inch of his body felt frayed, there were no thoughts, just sheer determination to get back on solid ground. Let them find one body, take the spare parts from the broken Jaeger. There was no way he was going to make it out of this._

_The world blurred away in a mess of grey and blue, there were no images just a feeling, nagging on the back of his mind at first but becoming more and more persistent. Panic rose in his chest, something was wrong, terribly wrong. He coud feel the pull in his mind, the sudden urge to get up, run, do something but he was forced to remain in the helplessness of sleep._

_His mind buzzed like a broken television, screeching static and blurry images flickering across his screen of memory, and suddenly he knew._

_Clawing his way out of sleep with all the strength that he could muster his eyes snapped open and he found himself back in his bunk, legs tangled in the blankets and sweat glistening on his brow._

_It took a couple of moments to orient himself, to seperate reality from the terrors of his dreams. The feeling remained though and he knew, it would not go away, It would not go away because it was reality._

_Getting up he hastily grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt and headed towards the door._

_His legs carried him through the empty hallways of the Shatterdome as if on autopilot, he didn't know what time it was, he was caught somewhere in those dead hours of the night in which clocks didn't matter._

_He arrived at the Med Bay just in time to see an exhausted looking Doctor and a couple of nurses exit his brothers room._

_"What happened?" he asked immediatly only to receive confused looks._

_"What are you doing here at this hour?" the doctor returned the question and Raleigh had to admit that he was right._

_"I;" Raleigh hesitated, unsure of how to explain it "I just knew something wasn't right."_

_"I see," he nodded pensively "I've heard of the extraordinary connections between pilots before."_

_"Yeah you could call it that. So what happened?"_

_"He fllatlined but we managed to bring him back for now."_

_Static...._

_Raeigh pinched the bridge of his nose and swallowed his tears, not trusting his voice enough to answer._

_"You may go see him if you wish." he added, causing Raleigh to raise an eyebrow._

"I _thought I'm not allowed inside?"_

_"His fever is still rising despite the medication, the infection has spread" the doctor said gravely "we don't know how much longer he is going to last. You might want to..."_

_"Say my goodbyes." he finished in a monotone voice and looked through the glass, unsure of what to do next._

_"Go ahead. Take as much time as you need."_

_Raleigh nodded, still trying to process what he'd just been told. His hand hovered over the door opener, trembling slighty bevor he pushed the button and the door glid open with a quiet hiss. He took a hesitant step inside, immedietly the cold smell of antiseptic stung his nose and he fought not to recoil at the sight in front of him._

_Even now that he was closer to his brother than before, he still wouldn't have been able to recognize him. Yancys right side was covered in bandages where Knifehead had ripped him out of Gipsys Conpod, gauze also covering his head and half of his face. Nothing which made Yancy Yancy was left to be recognizable, not even a strand of blond hair sticking out from underneath the bandages._

_Raleigh tentatively pulled the stool from the corner up next to the bed, stubbornly trying to ignore the X-rays on the opposite wall, showing nothing but shattered bones held together bin pins and screws. As he lowered himself onto the cold metal seat of the stool the momentousness of the situation hit him._

_This might be it._

_Or rather._

_This was it,_

_For a few minutes he just sat there with his hands in his lap, impassive, staring off into space. His thoughts circled around the attack and the cruel irony of the fact that Yancy had survided Knifeheads claws and the fall only for an infection to poison his blood one week later._

_Raleighs lips twisted into a painful grin " Fuckin' hell Yance..."_

_Hot tears welled up in his eyes and for the first time since the attack he allowed himself to cry, and as the tears rolled down his cheeks he made a vow._

_If it was to end tonight, he would stay. There was nothing else to do for him now other than to be there for his brother, just as he'd been for as long as Raleigh could remember, no matter what it would take._

_"I'm here Yance," he whispered hoarsely "not going anywhere."_

_Tentatively he reached out and put his palm over his brothers good hand, flinching internally at the heat radiating off his skin._

_"You're not alone."_


	5. Day 7

_Day 7 - Morning_

_Raleigh still remained in his position the next morning, both hand clasped over Yancys, head bowed low. He didn't move when he heard the door open with its characteristic hiss but when a hand tenderly touched his shoulder his head snapped up._

_"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." Tendo said with a gentle smile and let his hand drop from Raleighs shoulder._

_"How did you get in here?" the latter asked, voice hoarse with fatigue._

_"The door?" Tendo answered impishly. Then, his face turned serious again "It's bad, huh?"_

_It was more of a statement than a question and Raleigh simply nodded in return._

_"Been here all night?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Why don't you go get some sleep. It's almost 10am." Tendo added, the room was windowless and permanently illuminated by white lights, there was no way to tell if it was day or night._

_" Can't," he paused, contemplating wether he should tell him "last night they...they said," he had to pause again, trying to swallow the lump in his throat "they don't know how long..." he found himself unable to finish the phrase but the other man had already understood._

_"God, Raleigh I'm so sorry." Tendo said with honest dismay "I wish there was anything I could do." he watched him with concern and found himself deeply worried by what he saw._

_"You can't, no one can." there was so much hurt and despair in his voice that it made Tendos heart ache "the only thing I can do is stay here with him until..." he broke off._

_"What about you?"_

_"Got out halfway alright," he answered in a monotone voice, shrugging with a brief glance at his still bandaged arm and shoulder "couple more drive suit scars to match the rest of the collection."_

_"I still can't believe you managed to get a Jaeger back to the shore all by yourself." Tendo continued._

_"Everyone keeps saying that, d'you think I know how I did it? Just did." Raleigh did nothing to hide the annoyance in his voice, people telling him over and over how amazing it was what he'd done was getting in his nerves , but it was not just that. It had always been him and Yancy, a team, it had ever meant to be only him. Killing Knifehead without his co-pilot was nothing he could ever be proud of if it came at the cost of his brothers life._

_"Has anything changed overnight?" Tendo asked after a beat of unbearable silence, breaking off Raleighs train of thought._

_"No. Can't even feel him. We always left the lights on."_

_Tendo didn't know what to say to that, instead he cast a glance at his watch "Listen, I gotta get to LOCCENT but if there's anything I can do just let me know, yeah?"_

_"Thanks Tendo."_

_"Anytime man."_

"How long did you stay with your brother?"

"The whole next day."

"Do you think that your dream from the night before was a coincidence?"

Raleigh contemplated his answer for a few seconds "I don't think so. There are a lot of side effects from the Drift, apart from that we were always kind of...connected, left the lights on as we call it. I think that's why it was so hard right after the attack when I couldn't feel him at all, we'd been severed mid-Drift, he hadn't just been suddenly disconnected from Gypsy but also from me."

She smiled knowingly and Raleigh raised his hands in confusion "What?"

"See, now that you start telling me stuff I can stop asking questions and we can actually have a conversation."

_Day 7 - Noon_

_By 12:30 a nurse came in to check on Yancys vitals and found Raleigh bent over and asleep with his head on his hands. She gently shook his shoulder_

_"Ranger, wake up."_

_Raleigh snapped awake, immediately awake and alert from years of training "What, what's up?"_

_"Everything is alright," she said with a reassuring smile "but I think you should eat something."_

_"Won't leave him." he protested weakly although he could feel the hunger gnawing at his stomach._

_"You're no use to him if you pass out." she insisted "Come on, Commander Choi has left something for you at the nurses station."_

_A faint smile crossed Raleighs face at the gesture but still hesitated._

_"You'll only be a few steps away in case something happens." the nurse said as if she'd read his mind._

_Raleigh finally gave in then, slowly raising from the stool, stiff from staying in one position for such an extended period of time. Stretching his arms over his head he could feel his back and shoulders crack and decided that she was right, it was time._

_Back at the nurses station he caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror, his eyes were rimmed read and the bags underneath them spoke of the very little sleep he'd gotten. He quickly splashed a load of ice cold water on his face before leaving, all but fleeing his own reflection._

_Tendo had indeed left something for him, a paper bag with a post it note simply saying_ EAT! _and a large bottle of water. Raleigh didn't really fancy eating but he knew he should and after the first couple of bites from the delicious sandwich he knew he'd made the right decision._

" _Feeling better?" the nurse who'd been with him earlier asked, standing in the doorway to their little break room._

_"Yeah, thanks." he answered quietly,_

_"Good." she took a step forwards, sat down on the chair opposite of him and cross her legs "I'm Tamara by the way."_

_"Raleigh." "But I guess you already know that."_

_"I do." she confirmed with a smile._

_"Sorry if me staying messed anything up or anything." it was a weak attempt at an excuse but now that he was out of Yancys room and back with some real people he realised that he might have not given them his best behaviour these last couple of days._

_"It's fine," she made a dismissive gesture with her hand "it happens a lot more often than you would think."_

_"Alright then."_

_"Actually, before I forget, I wanted to let you know that your brothers fever has actually gone down a bit this morning," Tamara smiled and Raleigh eyes widened a little "it might just be due to the generally higher cortisone level in the morning but perhaps not all is lost.."_


	6. Day 10

_Meals were the worst._

_Whenever people noticed him they'd give him looks, some downright staring and it annoyed him more and more every time it happened. News traveled fast in a Shatterdome, in terms of gossip it was more similar to an overcrowded boarding school than a military base. Loads of people crammed into a gigantic icebox with not even that much to do in between Kaiju attacks. Oh there was gossip._

_Tendo sat with him whenever they ate at the same time, distracting him from the prying eyes and Raleigh appreciated it a lot. That, and the company._

_He was just on his way back from breakfast when he spotted Marshal Pentecost making his way towards him and before he had the chance to duck away into a hallway the Marshal came to a halt in front of him._

_"Ranger Becket, how's your brother doing?" he asked in his usual gruff tone._

_"Better, sir." Raleigh answered, straightening up immediately._

_"That's god to hear."_

_"Thank you sir." he nodded once with a slight smile._

_Pentecost returned the nod but not the smile and was just about to turn to leave, Raleigh wanting to do the same, when he spoke again "Ah, before I forget, I want you in the Kwoon first thing tomorrow morning."_

_"Sir?"_

_"Got some drift candidates for you, Ranger. It's time to get you back in the saddle."_

_"But Sir," Raleighs brow knit tightly while he tried to find the right words "I can't jockey, not without Yancy."_

_Pentecost gave him an irritated look "The next Kaiju won't be waiting for your brother to get back on his feet which, from what I hear, might be never."_

_He had to internally restrain himself from jumping at Pentecosts throat at the statement, instead he took a step towards him and said "I'm not going to jockey without my brother."_

_"Ranger Becket, must I remind you that you are speaking to a superior?" Raleigh could tell that Pentecosts patience was wearing thin "This is an order."_

"Why did disobey a direct order?"

Raleigh cracked his fingers "I could never drift wit anyone else. It wouldn't work out."

She waited patiently for him to carry on, sensing that there was more to it.

"Yancy had barely been out of the woods, it was like," he broke off briefly "there was still a part of me that stuck to him, no matter how much I would have tried to drift with someone else it wouldn't have worked."

"Why didn't you tell Marshal Pentecost?"

"Don't know, should've...probably," he carded a hand through his hair "call it the heat of the moment."

" _Pentecost caught me in the hallway today, told me he has some potential co-pilots for me." Raleigh spoke into the silence and opened the book on his lap "Told him to fuck off."_

_Yancys fever had continued dropping over the last few days until the doctors had declared him stable. The thick gauze covering his head and face had been replaced by thin strips of plaster and Raleigh hadn't been able to hold back a gasp when saw the thick, y-shaped line where they had stapled his brothers fractured skull back together. A dust of blonde stubble already started growing back but the incision stretched beyond the hairline, one end cutting his eyebrow in half the other end lacing halfway across the cheekbone. Blue and purple bruises scattered around them and stood out harshly against his unnaturally pale skin.Despite the small improvements, he still wasn't breathing on his own or showing any signs of waking up._

_The doctors and nurses were scratching their heads about how he'd gone from critical to completely stable within such a short period of time but never told Raleigh. They'd been able to give him hope, there was no need of destroying it with cold facts straight away._

_Raleigh himself had only left his brothers side to eat and take showers, the apparent benefit of his presence had led the doctors to allow him to stay and even put a second bed in the room. He knew that it was hard for people who had never drifted to understand the connection two drift-compatible people shared so he appreciated it even more that they were open minded to the fact that his presence was helpful. Along with the second occupant, more and more things started slowly trickling in. A growing stack of books occupied most of the space on the small bedside table from which Raleigh would choose specific chapters and stories to read to Yancy. Ones with an emotional attachment, he told the staff one night, and he received fond smiles. He'd also brought both their leather jackets, his own hung by the foot of his bed and Yancys tucked underneath his brothers good hand and half spread across his lap. The smell of worn paper and softened leather eased the sharp, stingy smell in the room._

_Just about halfway through the chapter a soft knock on the glass wall of the room made him look up from the page. Outside stood Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, leaning on his cane and greeting him with an awkward half-wave before gesturing for him to come outside. Raleigh couldn't hide a smirk at the almost comical awkwardness of one the most renowned K-Scientists in the world before he nodded briefly, left the book upside down on his chair and headed for the door._

_"Ranger Becket, I'm Dr. Hermann Gottlieb," he introduced himself with an honest smile and shook the other mans hand " it's a pleasure to meet you, although I wish our first meeting was under less unfortunate circumstances."_

_"Appreciate it," Raleigh returned the smile "and you're right, we haven't met but of course I know who you are, after all we can drift thanks to you. What brings you here?"_

_"Straight to business I see," Dr. Gottlieb remarked with a little nod "well, of course I was one of the first to hear about how you managed to get your Jaeger back on solid ground all by yourself. And I couldn't help but think to myself, that this was the best thing that could have probably happened for my most recent studies."_

_Raleigh narrowed his eyes slightly, trying hard not misunderstand "Was it?"_

_Gottlieb, sensing his noticing his confusion backpedalled almost immediately "No, not because of what happened," he reassured before he carried on "I had a small team working on a solo piloting project for a couple of months now but the good Marshal never had any pilots to spare for me, so the project has been stagnating for a little while." he explained briefly "Ranger Becket, would you be willing to assist me in my studies? Marshal Pentecost has already given his approval."_

_"Of course he has," Raleigh muttered under his breath and looked back at Dr. Gottlieb "Listen Doctor, I really appreciate your offer but I'm not sure if I'm the right guy for the job."_

_"You're the only right guy for the job, Ranger Becket." Dr. Gottlieb answered not without disappointment in his voice "If you would like some time to think about it, it would take my team around a week to set up. You'd only be needed two or three days of the week for actual tests, the rest of the time we'd be analysing the gathered data." he explained before he turned to leave "Anyway, thank you for your time. I hope your brother will make a swift recovery."_

_"Thank you."_

_As Raleigh watched Dr. Gottlieb make his way down the hall doubt started gnawing at his mind and before he knew it he had called out to him "Doctor, wait!"_

_Suprised, the other man stopped in his tracks, turned around and looked at him expectantly._

_"I'm in."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Feedback is always appreciated:)


	7. Day 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pic set to the chapter:  
> https://bypassr.tumblr.com/post/187599522322

_Raleigh was dreaming._

_He was surrounded by fog so thick it was almost as if he floating, there was no ground beneath his feet, no indication of any structures surrounding him._

_It was cold._

_Far away in the distance the sound of waves echoed through his mind._

_He reached out as if on instinct, his hand moving slowly through the mist. His fingertips met a cold, hard surface and he took a step forward, placing his palm flat against what felt like a solid wall of ice. For a few heartbeats he remained in his position, not quite knowing why but something drew him to the wall. Something deep inside him._

_Suddenly, a shadowy figure appeared from the mist behind the wall but Raleigh didn't feel any urge to draw back. He could feel his heartbeat pick up, beating a staccato against his ribs and he knew._

_They stood facing each other, both merely a shadow to the other, but as a palm was placed against the ice just over Raleighs he could feel it. Emotions lacing through the ice like a glowing rey of light, seeping through his skin and right into his soul. Numbing, all consuming fear, pain and a loneliness, deep and pitch black like a star long dead gripped his heart. Tears fell freely and his shoulder shook when he let his forehead drop against the wall separating them, his other hand coming to rest against it as well. With all the strength he could muster he summoned the last bits of hope and positivity that were left inside him and clung onto them. Almost like in the drift he browsed happy memories, good days before the world went to shit. His mind landed on the day the first laid eyes upon Gypsy, the excitement of it and his brothers thousand watt smile._

_His frustration won him over eventually, and he broke from the wall, taking a step back in the attempt of breaking through it but as soon as he moved the ground disappeared from underneath him. He fell, his brothers name still on his lips, waves rushing beneath him._

_Just when he was about to hit the water, Raleigh woke up._

_It took a couple of seconds to orient himself, to feel his wet cheeks and sore throat, and to understand what had just happened._

_He scrambled out of bed, wiped his cheeks hastily and staggered across the room towards Yancys bed. The sight he'd become so sadly familiar with over the last couple of weeks hadn't changed, but it was still there. The nudge in his mind, the presence that had never been gone before was back with him, slowly filling the aching hole it had left behind. A breath shuddered out of him and his vision once again blurred with tears._

_Behind his eyelids, Yancys eyes moved rapidly and his brow twitched occasionally. The emotions echoing through their connection hadn't changed, Raleigh felt his brothers fear climb up his spine and spread through his chest rapidly. Neither of them had ever liked being alone. He sat down gently on the edge of the bed, careful not jostle his brothers fragile body, and bent down to lean his forehead against Yancys._

_"I'm here Yancy, it's alright. Come back to me."_


	8. Day 20

_The first day of the research program with Dr. Gottlieb Raleigh entered the modified laboratory with mixed feelings. The short period of excitement the renewed connection with Yancy had brought had subsided over the last few days as there was no change in his brothers condition. The only good thing was that he now felt comfortable leaving him for a couple of hours now that their connection had been re-established._

_"Ah, Ranger Becket!" Dr. Gottlieb exclaimed upon his arrival and made his way accros the room to greet him "Welcome to my little project."_

_Raleigh took a brief moment to take in his surroundings. The room was packed with all sorts of K-Science equipment, a control panel like the ones in LOCCENT had been set next to a Pons, similar to the ones the academy used for drift compatibility test with the only difference being that there was only room for one pilot._

_"Impressive." Raleigh said which earned him a chuckle from Gottlieb._

_"Well, government funding has its perks."_

_"What's this all about then." Raleigh asked and couldn't help but feel slightly excited._

_"Basically, if this is a success, the technology will go into a mini-version of a Jaeger which can be piloted by only one instead of two people. The mind of the machine is programmed so that it should theoretically be compatible with any pilot." Dr. Gottlieb explained while gesturing to various parts of the equipment._

_"I'm going to drift with a computer?" Raleigh asked with an arched eyebrow and looked at the Pons._

_"Yes."_

_"But...how's the handshake going to work?"_

_"Let me worry about that, it's going to be what they call learning by doing," his answer didn't exactly reassure Raleigh that this was a good idea "We're only missing the last member of our little adventure p...."_

_His sentence was interrupted by the door "Everyone ready to make history?"_

_"Commander Choi," Dr. Gottlieb greeted him with a slightly strained smile and a brief glance at his watch "about time."_

_"What are you doing here?" Raleigh asked as Tendo came to a halt next to him._

_"You really though I let you do this all by yourself?" the other man retorted with a grin and bumped his shoulder against Raleighs "Move over Beckets, historic moments ain't exclusively for Rangers. Besides, at least one of us has to know what the hell he's doing."_

_Raleigh chuckled as Tendo made his way over to the makeshift LOCCENT panel, past Dr.Gottlieb who did nothing to hide his slight annoyance._

_"Buckle up, Becket Boy."_

_Stepping into the Pons felt strange, he hadn't been in a simulation for quite a while, let alone all by himself. Dr. Gottlieb checked all the equipment twice, making sure everything was securely in place and working. Raleigh tried to hide the fact that all he could think about was his last deployment and instead focused on Tendos face and his breathing._

_"The handshake might feel very different from what you are used to, remember Commander Choi and myself are looking after you in case anything goes wrong. Don't worry." Gottlieb tried to reassure him, sensing Raleighs nervousness._

_When they were all set up Raleighs glance automatically went to his right only to realise that he was alone._

_Tendos professional voice brought him back to the present moment "Neural handshake in 5,_

_**Ready to step inside my head kid?** _

_4_

_**A stormy night, the sea electric blue** _

_3_

_**Gypsys arm being torn off** _

_2_

_**The drivesuit burned into his arm** _

_1_

_**Raleigh, listen to me!** _

_The last thing Raleigh heard before it all turned black was Tendos frantic voice "Not good, not good!"_

_He didn't know how much time had passed before the world blurred into focus again, the floor of the lab cool underneath his back, head pillowed on Tendos thigh with the latter holding a bunch of paper towel under his nose. It was soaked with blood. He didn't know what had happened until Tendo told him, still on the verge of panic himself._

_He went to therapy after that._

"It's like...stuck in my head, like on a loop," Raleigh admitted with a heavy air of defeat "keeps replaying, over and over."

"That's post traumatic stress, Ranger Becket, and there's no shame in it."

He gave her a quick nod, lips twisting into a vague resemblance of a smile.

"Listen, I know this doesn't make it easier but you have to stop believing that you can get through this all by yourself." her voice had gained an edge which hadn't been there in their previous sessions "If you carry on like that Knifehead will never be in the past." 

Raleigh cringed involuntarily and his jaw trembled briefly "What do you mean?"

"What I meant was: Do you want to react like a frightened Chihuahua everytime someone brings it up?"

He couldn't deny that she had a point.

"I know about your brother, I know you want to be strong for him but you can only be there for him if you take of yourself first."

"Damn," he sighed and wound his hands together "she played the brother card." although Raleigh knew that she had played him like a pro he also knew that she was right with everything she'd said.

"She played the brother card." Julia returned with a smirk and opened her notebook.

That day, Raleigh started to talk. 


	9. Present Day / Day 23

Raleigh was moved back to their quarters, which were now only his, by the third week post-Knifehead. 

After the incident at Dr. Gottliebs lab, he had been stood down by Pentecost himself with an order to see a therapist at least three times a week and the rest of the time replace an officer on leave at the Kwoon. Raleigh, although grudgingly, obliges. 

Life goes on around him, everyone seemingly busy with more important things than him. The shifts at the Kwoon aren't as bad as he'd first thought, somedays he even finds himself enjoying them. Watching the younger pilots practice their fighting skills, helping them along the way takes his mind off things at least. Most of his free time he spends with Yancy, still reads to him or filles the silence with random chatter about everything and nothing, almost falling into some kind of messed up routine. Things start to feel normal and he is disgusted with himself for it.

No matter how much you wish for it, change is inevitable. And it always comes to you when you least expect it. 

When a young man in scrubs approaches him in the mess hall and tells him that his brother has woken up Raleighs whole world lit up with joy, just for a few moments, only to be burned to ashes merely seconds later. 

He listens to a sheer endless monologue of a young doctor who he's never met before, rambling on about neurological terms none of which made sense to him. The only thing that sticks to his mind is that things haven't improved, in a way, things have gotten worse. There is no prognosis to reassure him, only a faked sympathetic smile and the hollow phrase not to give up hope yet.

According to the doctors, Yancy was in what they called a vegetative state. Never before has Raleigh hated a word with such a passion. 

Nothing could have prepared him for it, although he's braced himself for what he was about to see. Yancys eyes might have been open but unseeing, dull like a rainy autumns day and it shatters Raleighs heart to pieces. There is nothing but emptiness not even looking back, but straight through him as if he wasn't there. He wants to scream and tear everything to shreds at the unfairness of it all, instead he watches the muscles in Yancys throat work against the tube still stuck inside it and instinctively laces their hands together.

"It's alright, you'll get rid of the damn thing soon." 

He's gotten used to the silence following his words. 

Raleigh is there, gently dabbing away spit and a stray tear from his brothers face after the doctors removed the breathing tube, the procedure leaving his thin body a shivering mess and Raleigh stays, coos and gentles, trying to push as much positive energy through their bond as he could muster. Doctors tell him that Yancys physical reactions are caused by reflexes and completely involuntary which makes him blink forcefully a couple of times followed by a heavy sigh. It feels like a terrible defeat, after everything that has happened. 

"We'll be moving him to the regular ward tomorrow morning," Tamara the nurse tells him. When he doesn't react she adds "that's a good thing. It means he's out of the woods."

Raleigh forces a thin lipped smile and thanks her, keeping his thoughts to himself. The tiny, ugly voice at the back of his voices them though. Yancy might be out of the woods but nowhere close to getting better, Raleigh knows, Tamara the nurse knows, but for the sake of positivity, they keep up their little dance of denial. 

The braces and bandages covering his brothers body become fewer and thinner, giving way to the gruelling mass of scars and skin grafts painting a painful pattern on his arm and chest. A nurse wedges pieces of soft foam between his fingers because they keep curling into painful looking fists and Raleigh witnesses it all day by day, feeling strangely numb. 

He clutches Yancys dog-tags like a rosary and for the first time in a very long time, he prays. 

Raleigh feels lonely and like he has fallen out of time but most of all, he feels incredibly lost.

That's when Tendo decides to take him out for a drink.

They venture down into Anchorage to a bar where no one would either expect nor recognise Raleigh. The first week after Knifehead the press had been almost camping outside the Icebox, the fall of Gipsy Danger was a big deal and they all wanted their piece of the fucked up cake this whole situation was. He'd been careful to shield Raleigh from the media freak-out, the gossip inside the Shatterdome was bad enough already. Now, more than three weeks post-Knifehead, the situation has calmed down enough, new catastrophes have happened around the world and had eventually drawn the attention away from the Beckets. 

"Thanks for dragging me out of the misery for a little while."

"S'alright." Tendo grins into his beer "How's Kwoon treating you?"

Raleigh snorts in return "Pentecost just wants me out of the way. Makes me go see a therapist now as well."

"I'm afraid I'll have to agree with him on that though." he sais in a more serious voice and leans his elbows on the table. 

"Probably..." Raleigh trails off and took a sip of his drink, embarrassment creeping up his neck. 

"Don't beat yourself up about it man, no one blames you for what happened."

"I bet Dr. Gottlieb wasn't too thrilled."

"There is no word for his mood the next couple of days." Tendo agrees with a chuckle. 

They fall into an easy conversation for a while, taking their minds off things and just blending into the crowd of the bar and for a little while Raleigh feels a little less fucked up. That is until someone turns up the TV hung by the bar when the local news come on. 

_After the attack of the first ever recorded category three Kaiju just outside Anchorage three weeks ago tomorrow, codename Knifehead, the PPDC still keeps all information regarding the fate of the two pilots under tight wraps. Brothers Yancy and Raleigh Becket had been sent out against the Kaiju but, according to an eye-witness, only one of them came back. If their Jaeger Gipsy Danger will ever go back online remains unclear._

The short clip is accompanied by a promotional photo of him and Yancy standing on a platform in front of Gipsy, both looking terribly whole and healthy. Raleigh averts his gaze. 

"Sorry man." Tendo sais with a wry smile "Can't believe they're still talking about it."

Raleigh only shrugs in return "Can't believe that it happened but hey, what can you do."

Tendo nodds contemplatively before asking "How's Yancy though, truly.

"Still unresponsive, doctors say there's no way of knowing how long he's gonna stay like that. Could be another day, could be forever." he tries to sound as nonchalant as possible but fails miserably halfway through.

If Tendo noticed his efforts he conceals it well enough, only nodding apprehensively and sipping his drink again "Don't know what to say to be honest."

"There's nothing to say."


	10. Passage

Pentecost, it seems, has given up on getting him back into a ConnPod for now so he leaves him at the Kwoon with an occasional trip to Kodiak Island. Raleigh doesn't know what to make of it but the structure the shifts give his days feels good. 

He still dreams, the ghost drift hitting him full force in his sleep when there's nothing else to busy his mind with. More nights than not it wakes him up, ghost feelings mixing with his own and making him jittery with nerves. In a way it scares him that all that comes through their bond are feelings that leave his chest tight with anxiety, like the walls were closing in. Hidden deeply underneath that violent ocean of emotion he can feel what he's always felt since their first drift. Yancys presence is like a lantern on a back porch at dusk, like the warmth of a fireplace tingling on your skin after a walk on a snowy winters day or the soft rise of mist over a forest at sunrise. Most of all, it feels like home,calming, like yellowing photos plastered on the wall and the scent of coffee in the morning. 

He tells Julia, but her knowledge of the Drift doesn't expand beyond basic. Raleigh understands, not even K-Scientists and engineers were able to explain what exactly happens when two pilots were severed mid-Drift. They had run a lot of tests over the last couple of days, performed every existing type of brain scan both on himself and Yancy but the results had been all but underwhelming. Raleigh had patiently answered all of their questions but the only answer he received in the end had been quietly uttered by a postgraduate who'd been with them, conjecturing that due to the separation mid-Drift they in fact hadn't been fully severed and that the exceptionally strong connection that Raleigh still feels was a result of that. The rest of the science team shook their heads at the thought but the idea stuck with Raleigh and the more he thinks about it the more it starts to make sense. Sometimes he can almost physically feel the piece of his brothers mind trying to claw its way out through the ghost drift, like a permanent itch at the back of his brain. 

It hurts, each and every time. His visits start to fall into a pattern, which he hates, and he watches Yancy getting thinner day by day. They put his brothers wrists in braces because they keep locking up at strained angles, nothing gets better.

Yancys dog tags rest heavily against his chest on top of his own.

Nurses talk to him and words like long term care bounce around his head but he refuses them, just a little bit longer. Just one more day of denial. 

Julia says its unhealthy and he agrees. When she asks what he wants to do about it he doesn't answer. 

One day he finds Tendo in Yancys room, sat by his brothers side with his head bowed low and his rosary between his his folded hands. There is an air in the room that causes Raleigh hover by the door, not wanting to interrupt. When Tendo finishes his quiet prayer he leaves wordlessly, only giving Raleigh a meaningful look in passing. They both know but neither of them bears the strength to talk in that moment. 

He appreciates Tendos compassion, more and more each day, just like he realises that he is alone with his mind, more and more each day. 


	11. 8th of April, 2020

_“I still don’t understand,” Gus declared._  
_“Wait a minute!” Bob cried excitedly. “Sundial Canyon – the shadow of the natural sundial on the lawn marks the place where the ruby is buried, and Gus has to delve for it. Is that the answer?”_  
_“Correct, Records,” Jupiter said._  
_“But it’s a big lawn,” Pete interjected. “How do we know the right spot?”_  
_“The message tells us,” Jupe answered. “Let’s go over it again. May I have it, Gus? Thanks.”_  
_He spread out the message and read parts of it as the truck bounced along._  
_“ ‘August is your name and August is your fame and In August is your fortune’ – that’s to get Gus’s attention to the word August, while just seeming mysterious to an outsider. Then, ‘Let not the mountain of difficulty in your way stop you; the shadow of your birth marks both a beginning and an ending.’_  
_“That’s a sentence that seems to say one thing, and says another. Gus’s great-uncle figured he would know that the mountain he meant is the peak above Dial Canyon, and that the shadow of his birth meant the shadow of the mountain at the time of his birth – that is, on August sixth at half past two in the afternoon. Correct, Gus?”_  
_“That’s right. I’m beginning to see it now, Jupiter. August – mountain – shadow – time of my birth – it all rather hits you in the eye as soon as you know you’re talking about a giant sundial.”_  
_“The rest of the message is pretty plain,” Jupiter stated. “ ‘Delve deeply’ is clear enough. Most of the rest is just talk to help confuse an outsider. The phrase ‘time is of the essence’, though, means two things. One is to hurry and find the ruby. The other goes back to the sundial idea; the right time is very important.”_  
_“Two-thirty to-day. That gives us hardly an hour!” Pete exclaimed. *_

Raleigh stops to turn the page, looks up briefly as his fingers glide over the worn paper. He freezes. 

Yancys eyes are on him, fixated, icy and clear like the Alaskan winter sky.

Raleighs heart stutters in his chest "Yance?"

His brothers brow knits together briefly and his eyes dart around the room, trying to make sense of his surroundings. His lips twitch as if he was trying to speak but the words fail to make their way past his lips.

Everything hurts. 

Braces are holding his neck and torso firmly in place, keeping him from moving just the tiniest fraction when all he wants to do is squirm against the pain, seek relief by adjusting his position but he can't and it hurts-

Raleigh, sensing his brothers discomfort shoots up from his chair and presses the call button firmly "It's alright," he says in a halfway calm voice though happiness is surging through him like a phoenix from the ashes "you're in hospital. Doctor's coming."

Yancy parched lips part and a pained moan makes its way past them. 

Raleigh puts his hand on his brother cheek, cards it through his hair like their mum used to when they were kids and murmurs quiet reassurances until the door opens and the scrubs flood the room.

They all but shove him out of the door, leaving him pacing the corridor with an occasional glance through the tiny window in the door behind which an army of scrubs is picking and prodding at his brother. 

Later, after a couple of hours of chemically induced sleep the first word which Yancy manages to wrap his mouth around are "Wha' happen'?"

His voice is quiet and scratchy from disuse and Raleigh spoons him some ice chips to help with the roughness but also, it buys him some time to contemplate his answer. 

"Kaiju happened." in the end he sticks with the truth although without going much into detail. 

Yancy lets the words sink in for a moment before his gaze lands on his brother again, giving him a swift once over "You alright?"

Raleigh can't help a chuckle escaping his lips at the question "Yeah," he shakes his head briefly, still smiling "no missing parts."

A shadow falls over the other mans face at that and he swallows thickly "Am I missing parts?"

His voice is small and hesitant but Raleigh doesn't stop smiling and shakes his head again "Nah, you're all good."

He breathes a sigh of relief and looks down but apart from the edge of the brace peeking out from underneath his hospital gown and a greenish shadow on his cheek he can't see much of himself. Whatever they'd given him, it worked, the pain is completely gone but so is most of his sensation and he feels almost like he is floating. Slowly he moves his good hand from where it had been resting on top of the thin sheet to his cheek where his fingertips gingerly brushed the greenish shadow of the feeding tube taped to his face. He blinks. "How long?"

Raleigh face falters a little "Five and a half weeks."

Yancys gaze wanders, suddenly becoming far away "It's...it's April?"

"Yeah." 

When he speaks again, there's slight tremble in voice "Is it bad?"

Raleigh feels the dread in the pit of his stomach but he ignores it and pushes himself to an answer "It was," he says, voice going soft "but you're better now. They'll get you back on your feet."

"Can't really feel my feet to be honest."

"They gave you a shot of the good stuff." Raleigh says, trying to sound casual but he feels a sudden wave of emotion well up and quickly brushes his hand over his face in a futile attempt to make it go away. He doesn't know why and when he sees Yancys expression he knows he failed.

"Hey," no matter how fucked up he was, his older brother still manages to sound caring "what's up Rals?"

The use of his nickname is all it takes, he brushes both his hands over his face and through his hair before he lets them drop to his lap and shrugs, eyes bright with tears "I'm just glad you're back with me." his voice cracks a little and he lets out an unsure chuckle "Fuck, just never do that again."

A wry smile dances over Yancys lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * From : Alfred Hitchkock and The Three Investigators in The Mystery of The Fiery Eye by Robert Arthur Jr.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading:)  
> Feedback is always welcome!


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